


turned starry nights into holy days

by prettyboyrollins



Series: suddenly i see the lights guiding me [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst, Character Study, Destroy Ending, Developing Friendships, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pining, Post-Canon Fix-It, Pre-Relationship, Reminiscing, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26128390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyboyrollins/pseuds/prettyboyrollins
Summary: The Crucible fired. The Normandy escaped. The Reapers were destroyed.Joker doesn't think it's a victory when he left the Commander behind.[The long journey home to Earth, told through Joker's eyes. A post-Destroy ending fix-it focused on loss and love and bonds.]
Relationships: Female Shepard & Liara T'Soni, Garrus Vakarian/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Jeff "Joker" Moreau & Garrus Vakarian, Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard, Karin Chakwas & Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Past EDI/Jeff "Joker" Moreau
Series: suddenly i see the lights guiding me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1897243
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	turned starry nights into holy days

**Author's Note:**

> i have wanted to write a fic like this since 2015 what's up y'all.
> 
> this got super out of hand very quickly - what was meant to be one 10k journey has now become a series? i think it's gonna be three parts but i could be wrong. we'll see. i'm writing part two now.
> 
> title for this (and the series) taken from [i can't stop thinking about you by the shadowboxers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pBmK4GAiBc)
> 
> unbeta'd, so if you see any mistakes, shoot me a message so i can fix it! hopefully it's not too rambly!

Joker had expected the Reaper war to end with a bang - both figuratively and literally - but nothing could have prepared him for what actually happened: the panic as all the Normandy’s navigational systems went down with the red pulse from the Crucible, the way his chest tightened as he tried his hardest to make the jump to FTL without knowing where they’d end up, the physical pain that came with a rough entry into atmo, and the way his heart sank when he turned to ask EDI something and noticed she was offline.

He compartmentalized all the bullshit just long enough to set his ship  _ (our ship, _ he could practically hear her say) down as safely as possible in the unknown jungle of wherever they’d ended up. Tali ran some checks to see if the air was safe for them; once she was sure they could all breathe without dying, the crew - led by Alenko and Garrus - stepped out to investigate, and Joker slipped back onto the bridge, held his face in his hands, and broke down.

He’d waited for her as long as he could - she was his commander, and one of his closest (and only) friends. Pulling her ass out of the fire was what he did best, and he did it with pride. He’d bragged about it every single chance he got to any Marine who would listen: Therum. Virmire. The Collector ship and then the  _ base.  _ Earth, in the middle of a Reaper attack. Every derelict ship, abandoned station, and dangerous planet she’d ever stepped foot on, he’d been right there waiting for her when things started going south. He even joined  _ Cerberus _ for her - after seeing the shit they’d done, he was ready to wipe them off the map, but then he was told they’d bring her back and he didn’t trust any of them to watch out for her; if the most important woman in the galaxy was alive, he wanted to be there, watching her six from the sky and keeping her safe in the journey along the way. Joker was the best pilot in the Alliance, and he was reasonably confident that might extend to the known universe at this point, but when she needed him most, he wasn’t able to help.

Joker had only ever failed her twice: the Normandy SR-1, and the battle for Earth. They were the only times she didn’t make it out alive.

At least the guilt couldn't make him sleep any worse than he already did.

The first few weeks on their temporary homeworld were hard; the crew wanted to mourn their losses and reminisce. He understood and respected that, he did, but Joker just wanted to get back to Earth to see if anyone had survived. 

With the Commander gone, the ship grounded, and Joker brooding in silence, Liara took up the position of Executive Officer. She organized their resources, coordinated scouting parties, and kept trying to find any hint of what had happened after the Crucible. Even with all of that on her plate, she still took time to honor those they’d lost: Liara handed him a plaque for EDI without a word, and he placed it on the memorial wall alone one night before heading to the med bay for a drink with Chakwas. 

They were both uncharacteristically quiet, until Chakwas finished her first glass of brandy and spoke up.

“I was supposed to be drinking this with her, you know. A celebration of the end of the war and our survival.”

Joker swallowed hard. “Yeah?”

“We’d agreed to make it a yearly tradition back when we were working with Cerberus,” she continued, grey hair falling in her face as she looked through the bottom of her glass. “She told me to save it for when we won. I wish I hadn’t listened. I wish I’d  _ pushed.” _

He drank deep and relished the burn as he swallowed.

“We toasted to you back then, did she ever tell you?”

Joker froze, glass resting against his lips. “What?”

Chakwas’ smile was sad, and her eyes were filled with pity - not the kind that made his skin crawl, the kind people looked at him with when they watched him walk, but the kind that made his chest ache. The kind he’d gotten used to after the SR-1 and Alchera. “We’d just picked up Mordin from Omega, rest his soul, and she’d found me this brandy in the markets. Of course we opened it immediately - the SR-1 had taught us that tomorrow wasn’t always guaranteed.” She looked down at her lap, smiling fondly. “We kept drinking and talking, and she confessed that she didn’t trust a damn person on this ship aside from me and you.”

He smiled a little. “Yeah. I remember her telling me something along those lines. Hell, it made me glad to see Garrus come on board just so we had another person with a scary gun in our corner.”

Her laugh was sad, and it trailed off into a hum as she swirled her brandy in her glass. “I told her that I would always go where you ended up, and that’s why I joined Cerberus. You joined for the chance to fly, I joined for you.”

“I didn’t join for that,” he said quickly, stopping her. “If I’d only wanted to fly, I could’ve worked on a transport ship or something. I joined for Sh-- for  _ her.” _

Dr. Chakwas made a soft, sad noise. 

“I didn’t tell her - I mean, I kind of did. When she asked back when we reunited.” He swallowed hard and looked at the little bit of brandy he had left. “I told her that the Alliance took the one thing that mattered to me. I think she thought I meant flying, but…” He took a deep breath through his nose, fighting back the emotions that were coming to the surface with a vengeance. He hadn’t talked about this, or even thought of it, in a long time. 

Chakwas leaned over and filled his glass again without a word before he continued. 

“I meant her. I couldn’t even  _ talk _ about her and what we’d done because the Council buried it and the crew scattered. I didn’t wanna say that outright, y’know, that she was my anchor, because she was my commander and that definitely crossed a line, but. That was the reason. They could’ve shoved me in a Kodiak doing supply runs all the time and I still would’ve signed up, just so I could be there in case she needed me.”

“Jeff, you truly are the best of us.” She poured a few fingers of brandy in her glass before she raised it to him and took a drink. “She certainly thought so. When we got a little tipsy…” Her smile made him think that their definitions of tipsy were  _ very _ different, and he couldn’t help but grin a little himself. “Well. When we got a bit tipsy, we made a toast, and hers was to the-- oh, what did she call you?” She thought for a second and Joker watched, waiting. “Oh! Right. Her toast was to ‘the ornery bastard that flies this ship.’ She cared  _ deeply _ about you, Jeff.”

The knowledge was meant to soothe him and his old wounds, he knew, but all it did was make the ache in his chest bigger. He’d cost her her life aboard the SR-1 because he was a stubborn bastard, and she’d forgiven him without a second thought.  _ She _ was the best of them, by far, and now she was gone because Joker couldn’t save her yet again. “She cared about her whole crew.  _ You _ know that. We were the closest thing to family she had, and that wasn’t a secret.”

Dr. Chakwas waved her hand, dismissing his comment quickly. “This isn’t about that. This is about her singling you out because  _ you _ were  _ her _ anchor in a very scary time. Liara and Kaidan and Garrus and Tali may think that  _ they _ are her oldest friends, but you were there from the very start, and you never left her side. She valued that, Jeff. And she valued  _ you.” _

He woke in the med bay the next morning with a horrible hangover; Dr. Chakwas gave him some painkillers and some water to help before he made his way back to the bridge, stiffer than he’d been when they crash-landed.

Joker settled into his seat and powered up what few systems he could access - a lot of damage had been done when the Crucible fired, and he wanted to try and find a decent starting point for repairs.

He was in the middle of checking the drive core’s output when he felt a hand on his shoulder; he turned to see Liara standing where Sh- the Commander used to stand before heading planetside. “We thought you should be the one to do it,” she said, voice softer than it normally was. She held out another metal bar. “She would’ve wanted it to be you.”

Taking it from her gently, Joker felt that ache in his chest grow. Another plaque for the wall. For Commander Jane Shepard.

He looked at it and closed his eyes, swallowing hard to try and stave off the tears. “I will when I’m ready,” Joker said, his voice embarrassingly thick. He couldn’t look at Liara, and he was pretty sure she understood.

“Take your time. Just… let us know when you do. We’d like to be there.”

Once she’d left, he tossed the plaque into EDI’s old seat.

He wouldn’t be ready for a long, long time.

***

It took them a few months of being on that garden world to get back up and running. Traynor was a gift - she knew just as much about the Normandy as Joker did, but she could get into cramped spaces he couldn’t. Tali, Adams, Donnelly, and Daniels worked tirelessly in engineering to get things back online and running at full capacity. Liara stayed tucked away in the XO quarters, no doubt trying to fix what she’d salvaged of the Shadow Broker’s network. Tali had helped her rebuild and reprogram Glyph, and the little drone was a welcome sight on the crew deck and the CIC while they all tried to make the ship spaceworthy again.

The Commander’s plaque remained hidden under his chair. 

“Flight Lieutenant Moreau,” Glyph said one afternoon while Joker was running some diagnostic tests on the ship’s shielding. It was still looking a little rough, and he wished he had EDI by his side to help him get it right. He pushed that thought from his mind as he turned his chair around.

“What’s up?”

“Dr. T’Soni would like to speak with you in her office.”

He groaned, even though he had a feeling Liara could see him acting like a whiny kid. “And she can’t come up here?”

“It is highly classified information, Flight Lieutenant Moreau. Please head down at once.”

Grumbling to himself, he got out of his chair and headed down the CIC, cursing Liara’s name. “I know you can probably hear all this,” he said to no one in particular. “But I’m complaining anyway. You  _ need _ me to get you off this planet, you can’t kill me.”

By the time he’d gotten down to Liara’s office - the elevator was running as slow as the SR-1’s had, but he and Adams agreed that that was low on the priority list for repairs - Garrus, Tali, and Kaidan had already gathered there. 

“I would never kill you, Joker,” Liara said as he walked in, not even allowing him to say hello. “Blackmail, certainly, but murder’s... not my style.”

He scoffed, smiling at her. “I have hours of helmet footage on the bridge that contradicts that, T’Soni.”

“Do you?” She smiled and tapped one of her datapads. “I had access to all of the Normandy’s databanks for quite some time. I wouldn’t be so sure.”

_ Fuck, _ she’d gotten scary since becoming the Shadow Broker. He was almost a little proud of her - she’d come a long way from that shy scientist Sh-- the Commander picked up on Therum. “Okay, well, that’s a fun way to start this meeting.” He shifted on his feet and Kaidan nudged the singular chair in the room towards him; it wheeled over gently, and he sat down with a nod of thanks. “Speaking of which, what is this, anyway? Why’d we get the old guard back together?”

“Comm buoys are coming back online all across the galaxy,” Tali started, typing something on her omni-tool and bringing up a map of the Milky Way. A few blue dots blinked within it. “The Admiralty has sent the Fleet to help repair them in as many systems as they can reach - it’s slow work, with most of the relays down, but it’s happening.” One of the dots blinked a bit brighter. “This is the one I am connecting to - we are in the Ismar Frontier.”

Joker nodded a few times before he really thought it through - as soon as he did, it all fell apart. That was one relay jump from the Serpent Nebula, not the Local Cluster. He frowned. “How is that possible? I didn’t even hit a relay. We didn’t have  _ time.” _

“The pulse from the Crucible interacted with mass effect fields in strange ways,” Tali said, and Joker could picture the confused look on her face (well, as much as he could picture her face, anyway, considering he’d never seen it - he’d always assumed she was some shade of purple, ‘cause of the mask) as she looked at her map. “Perhaps it pushed us along in FTL before it overtook us.”

“Yes, that’s my leading theory,” Liara said. “Regardless, we have an idea of our location, and we’re attempting to re-establish communication with the Alliance and the other fleets.” 

“Any luck so far?” Kaidan shifted his weight a bit and crossed his arms. “I’ll take anything at this point. Krogan, quarian, turian, a ship full of batarians that want my head. Shit, even  _ hanar _ would work.”

Joker laughed. “This one,” he started, trying his hardest to mimic the airy tone they always used, “has heard you are friends with an Enkindler. This one humbly asks what they are like.”

“I don’t wanna be the one to break it to an entire race that the aliens they consider gods are kind of assholes.” Kaidan huffed out a laugh.

Liara glared at them both, and they shut up quickly. “We haven’t been able to find anyone within our range directly quite yet - our systems aren’t running at full capacity. Tali told me it would only take a few more days to get there.”

Tali nodded, and her chest puffed out a bit with pride. “Daniels and I are working on rerouting some excess power to bolster our communication arrays. It shouldn't be too hard. With that, we could at least reach out to ships near the local cluster. They could patch us through to the Alliance, as long as their comms were working.”

“Do you ever sleep?” Garrus asked, the weird turian equivalent of a smile on his face.

Tali shrugged, and they could all hear her smirk in her voice. “You know I do.”

Joker looked at Kaidan, and they both made a face - Tali was like a little sister to most of the crew, and watching her flirt with Garrus was… weird. He wondered what  _ she _ would’ve done - probably laughed and told them to get a room. She was close enough to them to do that.

“So,” Joker started, “is that all? Our super secret club meeting was to talk about comm buoys?”

Liara rubbed her forehead. “No, not entirely. The comm buoys I can access now are receiving transmissions from all over Council space. There was an encrypted one I was able to decode.” She brought up her omni-tool and tapped it a few times. “Glyph was able to trace the source back to the Local Cluster.”

That meant Earth. Probably somewhere around London, where most of the Alliance had been. Joker leaned forward on his elbows, and Liara made direct eye contact with him. It was intense, but he didn’t look away.

“The Alliance is doing recovery operations in London. They’ve unearthed the bodies of several high-ranking Alliance personnel. Among them was Commander Shepard.”

His heart sank, but Liara didn’t flinch. Instead, she smiled.

“And she’s  _ alive.” _

***

The Normandy was ready to fly a week later, but Joker was secretly a little nervous about it - he could handle her, obviously, and he knew that, but he hadn’t done a long FTL flight like this since his early Alliance days. Sure, they’d been sent out on stupid errand runs and cleanup details before, but this was different. Without the relays, it would take weeks to get anywhere. Months, even, if he took the path he was familiar with and not the straight shot he’d been planning on.

It also didn’t help that his all-seeing, completely perfect co-pilot was gone. 

EDI’s loss hurt twofold for him: in their time with Cerberus, she’d saved his life, and she’d become synonymous in his brain with the ship he loved so dearly. She was state of the art, picking up the tiny things that slipped through cracks even he didn’t notice. He was the best pilot in the Alliance, sure, but with EDI, he was even better.

And then there was the fact that she was his friend. His girlfriend. His  _ partner. _ It should’ve felt pathetic, being closer to the ship’s AI than most of the people on board, but he’d always been a bit of a loner. Being a pilot was a pretty isolated job most of the time. EDI’d been there on the bridge with him, though, and she’d been a companion; their banter turned flirty (because Joker was a terrible flirt, and he’d never grown out of that), and feelings happened. She’d loved him, and he’d loved her, and she’d been so excited about their future together after the war. It felt a little weird, sure, to be dating the Normandy herself, but the Commander had given him her blessing.

Not after asking if he’d ever considered dating  _ her,  _ but he tried not to think about that.

After they’d crash-landed and figured out they weren’t in any immediate danger, Tali had tried to repair EDI; she was so determined to bring her back in any form. “My people made the geth. I should be able to help her - at least get her back into the ship, if I can’t salvage her body.”

She hadn’t given up for three months, trying every single moment that she wasn’t busy with the ship herself. Joker told her to stop, because it was killing both of them to witness so many failed attempts.

The empty chair to his right felt like a physical reminder of everything the war had taken from him, and he couldn’t even block it out of his peripherals.

Liara had given him the all-clear to head towards the local cluster whenever he was ready; she didn’t use the galaxy map to do it, instead poking her head onto the bridge. “There’s no known course to chart,” she’d said, but they both knew it was an excuse: she hadn’t used the map because someone else standing there in  _ her _ place felt wrong.

He still hadn’t taken off, and it had been an hour since she’d told the crew to prepare.

Joker’s eyes kept looking  _ through _ the controls, staring out the windows at the foliage outside, his fingers drumming on his knees nervously. He knew they’d be fine, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything.

“Joker,” a voice said beside him, and he turned to see Tali slipping into EDI’s chair. “I was wondering if you’d like a second pair of eyes on our subsystems. I may not be a pilot, but the rest of it, I can handle.”

He wasn’t stupid - he knew what this was. It was a bandaid on a bullet wound; he appreciated it anyway. “Thanks, Tali. You sure they don’t need you in engineering?”

“Daniels and Adams have the drive core running better than it did before the Crucible. They’ll be fine, and if something goes wrong, Donnelly is very good with emergency repairs. I can be spared.” She waved her hand and crossed her legs. “All systems are functional, Captain Moreau.”

Joker stared for a moment - Captain was a very high rank in the Fleet, something they’d given to Shepard, and even though his hands started flying over his console to prepare for takeoff like they had thousands of times before, he didn’t look away. “Tali, I--”

“This was  _ your _ ship, Joker. Both of you. Without her here, as far as I’m concerned, you’re in charge. You’re the Captain of the Normandy, at least until we get her back.” He could hear her smile, and he looked away, a little bashful. “Now, Captain. Take us to Earth.”

“This is Flight Lieutenant Moreau,” he said into the ship’s comms, and he couldn’t fight the slight smile on his face. “Prepare for takeoff.”

***

Aside from flying through space that was as good as uncharted, the first shift of their journey back to Earth was uneventful. The FTL jump went flawlessly, and all of their systems held strong - not even a waver, which Tali was pleased to see. Joker kept his eyes on the stars in front of him, guiding the ship around various patches of debris - he winced whenever he saw pieces of turian or asari vessels, but the dead Reapers floating in space were a nice sight to behold.

He let Garrus fire off a few rounds into the first couple they saw. It felt good.

“That was for Palaven, you bastards,” Garrus said over the comms, and Joker laughed.

“I call the next one. For Tiptree and Arcturus.”

Garrus huffed a laugh. “Aye aye.”

Tali left the bridge as the ship’s night cycle began and the crew started changing out. Before she headed downstairs, she stopped to rest a hand on Joker’s shoulder. “Get some rest.”

“Shifts are changing out and our path is clear, Tali, that’s the plan.”

Even through her mask, he could  _ feel _ the look she gave him. “You would stay up here until we got back to Sol if you had the chance. Get rest. That’s an order.”

She started heading towards the elevator, and he turned his chair around. “Hey, I thought this was my ship!”

“I’m an Admiral, Joker. I still outrank you.”

He laughed a little, and for once, when his relief showed up, he relinquished the helm to her. “Take it easy,” he said as he stood up. “Keep an eye out for debris. Our shielding and armor can handle a lot, but let’s not risk it.”

“Aye aye.”

***

Sleep wouldn’t come, no matter how hard he tried. He knew that. It’d been the same way after he’d lost the first Normandy - every time he drifted off, he was treated to a vivid replay of the Commander saving his ass and dying in the explosion that rocked the ship after his escape pod jettisoned - or, after he’d learned the truth, her getting spaced and suffocating alone in the cold vacuum she’d made her home.

Recently, it’d been visions of Reapers tearing her apart while she flailed for a button to destroy them. She only hit it when too much damage had been done to survive.

So Joker got comfortable in the lounge, looking out the window at the stars and trying so hard to relax.

The hiss of the door opening behind him ruined that process.

“Hey,” Vega said, walking over to the other chair in the room. “I thought you were gettin’ some rest.”

“With all the shit we’ve been through,” Joker started, adjusting his hat so the brim covered his eyes, “do you really think I can sleep? Like,  _ ever? _ You heard about Sovereign, right? And the Collectors? Oh, and then there was this little war against these things called  _ Reapers, _ you may’ve heard of them.”

Vega laughed and held up his hands. “Alright, alright, I get it. As long as you’ll be good to fly us in the morning.” He shrugged. “There’s no one else on this ship I’d trust to get us back to Earth. Not even Esteban.”

Joker scoffed. “This ship is  _ way _ too much for him to handle.”

“Exactly.”

He smiled and adjusted in his seat before he pushed his hat back into its normal position. “What about you? Why aren’t you asleep?”

Vega rubbed at his shoulder and cracked his neck. “I caught a nap once we left the planet. Figured I could stay up during the night, get some training done.”

“What the hell are you training for? You’re already…” Joker waved his hand at him. “Y’know,  _ buff. _ The war’s over, man. We won.”

“I’m, uh. I’m workin’ towards N7,” he admitted, looking a little bashful for once. “They offered me a promotion before we went to Horizon, and Lola talked me into it. Said I’d be great at it.”

That sounded like her - she had a habit for taking reckless Marines and turning them into respectable soldiers. Smartmouth pilots, though, she’d never quite figured out how to break. “That’s a hell of a compliment. She  _ did _ realize you kept flirting with her, right? And that that breaks, oh, I dunno, about a  _ hundred _ Alliance regulations?”

He laughed again and shook his head. “Nah, she knew I meant nothin’ by it. She was my commanding officer. I respected her. It was just nice to remind her she was human sometimes, y’know?”

Whatever he’d expected Vega’s response to be, it hadn’t been that.  _ Since when did he get all insightful? _ “Yeah. She, uh. I don’t think she really got to remember that all that much.”

“I know. That’s why I tried real hard to bring her back down to Earth - or, y’know, whatever the appropriate metaphor is for a chick who didn’t have a planet that felt like home.”

Joker laughed to himself; it felt somber, trading stories back and forth about her. He knew they were going back to Earth, and that she might be alive when they got there, but the original crew had agreed to keep that news secret. There was no point in getting everyone’s hopes up if something happened between now and their arrival.

So he embraced the feeling of eulogizing his friend, just to keep him grounded in reality. That didn’t make it suck any less.

“Y’know, I once asked her about where she’d consider her homeworld, ‘cause I figured Mindoir had some fucked up memories. And it took her a long time to figure out an answer. Weeks, I think.” He lifted his hat up a bit to adjust it on his head, and he turned to face Vega fully. “We were working for Cerberus at the time, right, and we went to Tuchanka to help Grunt with his rite of passage or whatever. We land, and she reunites with Wrex, headbutts some asshole, fights a thresher maw on foot and  _ wins, _ and comes back drunk on Ryncol.” He was smiling as he counted off each part of their ridiculous trip on his fingers. “Then, after all that, she tells me  _ Tuchanka’s _ home. And she was totally serious.”

The memory brought a smile to his face; she got along with every Krogan she met, without fail. It didn’t make sense at all, and Miranda had been particularly confused by how easily she’d slotted into Clan Urdnot. He’d only shrugged - he didn’t understand it one bit, but it was one of his favorite things about her, if not one of the more terrifying.

“Fuck,” Vega said, shaking his head with a smile. “Think she woulda moved there and put down roots after the Reapers were dead?”

“I’m pretty sure Wrex was gonna build her a house there whether she wanted it or not.” He laughed, but this time it was more somber - Wrex had to be  _ devastated _ if he’d heard about her death. Part of him hoped he hadn’t yet. “But-- y’know, I think she woulda stayed on a ship. Visited her apartment on the Citadel every couple months. She grew up in a colony, sure, but she’d always been most at home among the stars.” Joker looked out the window again, and thought back to the SR-1, back when she was the commander serving under Anderson, who was just Captain Anderson then. Some nights she’d come visit him on the bridge to talk and watch the stars fly by; he’d point out constellations they could make out even as they moved, and told her stories about his time as a kid on Arcturus. “Plus, she’d go insane without  _ something _ to charge at with an assault rifle.”

“Shit, you’re right about that. I always tried to get her to use a shotgun. It was safer, and she knew that, but she never listened. Gave me a heart attack every time.”

“You’re telling me - at least  _ you  _ were down there to provide cover fire. I just got to watch and hope no one died.” Joker laughed, but it trailed off as he thought about her recklessness. “Y’know what? It was the weapon weight, probably. She’d complain it made it harder for her to use her biotics well. Shotguns suck at range, so why weigh herself down?”

Vega raised one of his eyebrows and crossed his arms. “You know a hell of a lot about Lola, Joker.” Joker watched him smirk, and his stomach sank as he realized what was coming. “What about those Alliance regs you mentioned?”

“I flew with her since before she got this command, and I was by her side the whole time. You learn things about people when you spend all that time together.” He shrugged, trying to brush it off. He really didn’t wanna talk about this any more.

“That’s bullshit, compadre, you don’t  _ like _ people the way Lola did. You don’t just get along with people unless they bully you into it like I did.” Joker shrugged - Vega wasn’t  _ wrong, _ exactly, but he didn’t like where this was going. “You’re tellin’ me you never…?” Vega trailed off, letting Joker dig the rest of his grave on his own.  _ Thanks, man. _

“Okay. I would be  _ lying _ if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind before. But that was it! That was all. One errant thought that I suffocated because she was my commanding officer. She had enough to deal with without the brass coming down hard with red tape - or worse, taking me off her ship.”

“You’re pretty confident she wouldn’t do this without you.”

“Some of the things I’ve pulled off to save her and the crew? No one else  could _do_ _._ She wouldn't do it without me, ‘cause she actually physically couldn’t if I wasn’t at the helm.” He smirked, letting the confidence wash over him. It felt good - something he hadn’t felt in a long time. “So for her sake, and the greater good of the galaxy, I kept that shit to myself and let it die. It was easier that way.”

Whistling, Vega sat back - he was impressed, and Joker was a little bit smug about it. “I get that, man. It’s respectable. You did a good thing - not a lotta men woulda been as noble as you.”

Joker rolled his eyes. “Thank you for your approval of my actions, Lieutenant.”

Vega laughed and stood up, knocking his hat off his head and laughing as Joker spluttered and flailed to pick it back up. “I’m gonna whip up some dinner, you in?”

He jammed his hat back on with a weak glare. “Nah. I think I’m gonna just stay here. Thanks, though.”

“Alright. Your loss.”

Joker waited until the doors hissed shut before he looked back out the window; the passing star fields made him think of her and their conversations on the bridge, keeping each other company while the rest of the crew ignored their little bubble. He remembered the Commander telling him about Thane’s prayer for her when he passed away, and how she’d had to choke back tears - that’s how touched she’d been, how honored she’d felt that in his last moments, Thane had cared for her so much. He’d told her they’d make Thane proud, and he was sure they did, wherever he was.

He’d never had a lot of faith in any kind of god - he’d seen too much cruelty to look past, because he wasn’t the kind of person Ashley or Thane was. They were a lot stronger than he had ever been; the only things he had faith in were his ability to fly and the Commander, ‘cause they were the only things in life that hadn’t let him down.

He may not have believed in a god, but he  _ did _ believe in someone he’d be willing to talk to.

“Hey, Thane? God, this feels fuckin’ stupid.” He laughed a little and looked at the floor for a second. “Fuck, Ash, too. Might as well.” He took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair. “If either of you are out there, and you can hear me, can you just… make sure she’s okay? This ship needs her. I think we’re all done with the war for now, but y’know, we could do victory tours and talk about our heroics for credits. But we can’t do that without her. So. Kick her ass back onto this plane or whatever. Tell her to run away from the light or cross the sea. Just-- keep her alive until we get there. Whatever it takes. Okay?” Taking a deep breath, he looked out at the stars again and watched a few of them twinkle as if they were responding. “Thanks.”

The smell of Vega’s cooking wafted in through the vents, and Joker’s stomach growled; he put his hat back on his head and stood up with a groan. “Oh. One last thing. You’d be real proud of her. She did good.”

***

Traveling across systems without mass relays wasn’t hard at all - it was just tedious. So much of it was empty space, and there was only so fast they could go without mass effect fields slingshotting them across the void.

Simply put, Joker was  _ fucking bored. _

They were entering their third week of FTL travel from the Ismar Frontier to the Local Cluster, and it was supposedly the home stretch if his calculations were correct (which they were, but without EDI triple-checking everything, he had to get used to leaving room for error). The crew had taken to rotating out of the bridge during the ship’s day cycles. Sometimes Tali would sit with him and talk about what ships in the Fleet she thought he’d like to fly, and he tried to wheedle her into giving him permission to do it sometime. Sometimes it would be Traynor with her chess board, teaching him how to play while they sailed through endless nothing. Sometimes Cortez would come by just to watch him work, and Joker would take the chance to talk about the nitty-gritty of flying that only Steve could appreciate. Chakwas even showed up once or twice, just to keep her favorite pilot company for a few hours with a datapad and endless stories from her years serving with the Alliance.

On the rare occasions Liara left her office, she would always bring him something to eat, and he would always wait for more news on what was waiting for them on Earth.

She never had any.

Other times Garrus would lean against the doorway and talk with him about the old days, back with Saren and a hell of a lot less baggage. “It was a lot less… terrible back then,” Garrus said, sighing a bit. “It felt like the end of the world at the time, but spirits, I’d love to go back to those days. The decisions were all pretty easy. She only had to sacrifice  _ one _ of her friends to save the galaxy, and we weren’t reporting back to the Illusive Man.”

It was morbid, but Joker couldn’t help himself - he laughed, and he heard Garrus chuckle behind him. “What does it say about us that we consider  _ that _ the good life?”

“I think it says we’re tough sons of bitches who have survived a lot of things they shouldn’t have.”

“Hear, hear.”

The boredom on board had brought the crew together in ways Joker once thought only the Commander was capable of. They’d been close during the war, sure, but now it kind of felt like a family, especially when the day shift ended and most everyone gathered in the mess for dinner.

She’d be proud of them.

Joker had lost track of how long they’d been flying by the time they were close enough to the Sol system to make contact with its comm buoy. They were still a ways out - maybe a day and a half if they kept at this clip - but the quarians had improved the signal strength when they’d repaired it. He was about to call Tali to tell her to relay his thanks to the Flotilla when he heard someone storming up the CIC.

Liara crashed into the back of his chair, and he winced as the force sent him bouncing back against it.  _ “Hey, _ ow, fragile pilot! Watch it! You wanna make it to Earth, right?”

She didn’t respond right away - she was too busy locking the door to the bridge. “Thank the goddess we reached that comm buoy.” With that, she waved her omni tool. “Ms. Lawson?”

“Dr. T’Soni, thank god. I’ve been trying to reach you for months.” Joker never thought he’d see the day where he was grateful to hear Miranda’s voice, but he also never thought he’d see the day he was friends with everyone onboard a vessel. 

These were strange times.

“We’ve been making our way back to the cluster. It’s been hard without the relays online. Without Joker, we would have never made it off Zorya.”

“Wait, hold on - that was  _ Zorya _ we crashed on? Like the place Zaeed dragged us to? Well, not  _ us, you _ were busy, but--”

“Mr. Moreau, it’s good to hear the ship’s still in good hands.” Miranda’s voice was clipped, but it still sounded a lot less harsh than it used to. He’d take it.

“Still in the best hands for the job. What about you? What’s so urgent, anyway?”

Liara leaned on the back of his chair as he guided the Normandy around a large piece of debris from a geth ship; Miranda took a deep breath that they could hear over the comm link, and Joker braced himself. 

“I volunteered myself to help with recovery efforts here on Earth, just on the off chance they found Shepard. Obviously, you know they did. I’ve been overseeing her treatment since they brought her in.”

Liara let out a breath she’d been holding behind him. “There’s no one I would want in that position more than you, Miranda.”

Joker didn’t want to admit it, but he had to agree. “Yeah. You did the impossible once. If anyone’s got her, it’s you.”

“Is that  _ trust _ I hear? After all this time?”

“Hey,” he said, holding up his hands even though Miranda couldn’t see him. “You jumped ship when we did. I’m not gonna hold the whole Cerberus thing against you.  _ She  _ would be mad if I did.”

Miranda’s laugh was light, and it felt good to hear. Things had been far too somber for far too long. “I’m glad. I wish I had more news to share, though.”

“We’ll take anything you have, Miranda.”

“Her brain activity is around the levels we’d expect to see in a comatose patient. Her cybernetics prevented any major loss of limb, but we’ve had to do some major reconstruction. When she wakes up, she’ll need a  _ lot _ of physical therapy.”

Joker looked up at Liara for a second. “But that’s a confident  _ when, _ right?” he asked.

“It’s a  _ very _ confident when,” Miranda confirmed. “When I worked on the Lazarus Project, her vitals and brain waves weren’t nearly as strong when we had to wake her up. I just-- I can’t guarantee she’ll be the same person she was before.”

“Why?” Liara’s voice was steady, but Joker had known her long enough to hear the layer of fear hidden in it. “Did something damage her brain? Has something changed?”

“No! No, nothing like that,” Miranda rushed to clarify. “She just won’t be able to fight. I’ve talked with the Alliance at length, and even when she fully recovers, she’ll probably need a brace at the least or a mobility aid at the most. I’ve brought back the woman, but the soldier, I’m afraid, is a total loss.”

Liara opened her mouth to speak, but Joker held up his hand to stop her. “Miranda? We’re not the Illusive Man. With all due respect, I don’t give a  _ fuck _ about whether or not she can fight another war. I just want  _ her _ back. Frankly, if she can’t run into battle?  _ Good. _ She deserves a break.”

Joker looked up, and he was happy to see Liara beaming. “I’m with Joker on this one. Thank you, Miranda. You’ve done more than we could have possibly asked for.”

He couldn’t see her, so he couldn’t be sure, but he thought he heard some emotion in Miranda’s voice. “We’ll see you soon. I’ll let Admiral Hackett know you’re inbound.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

***

“SSV Normandy, you are cleared to land.”

A cheer erupted in the CIC; the whole crew had gathered there to watch Joker do what he did best. He took the Normandy down and around the few remaining skyscrapers in London, banking gently to then pull up and land in the makeshift area they’d set up by the hospital. There’d been a building here once - he could see the outline of the foundation - but now it was space for frigates and cruisers to dock.

Cortez patted his shoulder a few times as she touched down. “Excellent flying, Jeff.”

“Eh, I’ve heard I’m pretty good.”

Joker stood up carefully and followed Cortez and the rest of the crew down to the shuttle bay; when it opened, he inhaled deeply. It was nice to have fresh air again.

Most of the Alliance crew was herded away by Admiral Hackett, who was waiting for them as they disembarked; Joker snapped into a frantic salute a second too late, but Hackett waved him off. “Flight Lieutenant, you’re needed elsewhere. I believe Dr. T’Soni’s waiting for you.”

Vega looked over at him in confusion. “Hey, what the hell, man, why do you get out of this?”

Joker took a step backwards and shrugged. “Well, see, I kind of stole the Normandy like, nine months ago I think? And I did it another time before that, like, three years ago, and I never got in trouble for it then.” He turned around and headed towards Liara with a smile. “I think I’m probably getting court-martialed later! See ya!”

Garrus was shaking his head when he made it over to the little group of the original crew. “You do realize Admiral Hackett could hear all that, right?”

Laughing, Joker shook his head. “Listen, Garrus. I’m totally cool with being  _ done _ with the Alliance after this. As long as I can get myself a nice ship to fly? I’m set. And I’d never have to report to anyone ever again.”

“Well  _ you’re _ in a good mood,” Tali said, suspicious as she gave him a once-over. “I don’t trust it.”

“Aw, c’mon! I just got us back to Earth! That’s impressive!”

The steady, measured click of heels on concrete crept up behind him. “Considering the state of the relay system, I’m inclined to agree, Flight Lieutenant.”

He turned to see Miranda, who offered him her hand with a smile. Taking it, he shook it firmly - this was a new start for both of them. “Thank you.”

“It wasn’t the best landing I’d seen from you, but given the circumstances, it was acceptable.” She looked around at the rest of the group, nodding in greeting to each of them as she did. “Follow me.”

“Hey, hold on--”

***

“Unfortunately, I can’t allow more than one person to stay with her at a time.” Miranda looked at her datapad and sighed. “But I’m hoping that she’ll be awake soon. Given the cybernetics Cerberus had implemented and the upgrades she acquired over the past year, her biggest challenges once she’s conscious will be regaining a full range of movement in her legs, and the fine motor function in her left arm.”

Joker didn’t mind hospitals all that much - he’d spent his fair share of time in them as a kid with broken bones from pushing his own limits too far, but they weren’t someplace he ever felt stuck. What he  _ hated _ was seeing people he cared about in them.

And this was one of those times.

Commander Jane Shepard - and  _ fuck, _ was that the first time he’d allowed himself to think of her name since Zorya? - looked peaceful, in spite of the IVs and oxygen tube hooked up to her. She looked a hell of a lot better than she did when they reunited after Freedom’s Progress - her facial scarring wasn’t the glowy kind. She’d gotten that cut through her eyebrow back, and a rough looking patch along the whole left side her neck. Her red hair was longer than he’d ever seen it, but Miranda had brushed it out of her face.

Looking at her, you wouldn’t be able to tell what she’d just gone through.

“She’s one hell of a soldier,” Garrus said softly, and Tali put her hand on his arm. “You said she’d been crushed?”

“Yes - both by the rubble after the Crucible fired, and something from before that as well. Maybe in the approach to the beam.” Miranda tucked the datapad under her arm.

“Probably a tank - the Reapers kept knocking ‘em towards us.” Kaidan had taken a position by the end of the bed, letting Liara and Joker stay closest to her; Joker had a feeling he still felt guilty for Horizon and the Citadel. He wasn’t about to stop him - if he had to squirm a little, that was fine. He deserved it. “Shit, Shepard, they just can’t keep you down, huh?”

“Have you been able to contact Tuchanka?” Liara asked, looking away from where she’d taken Shepard’s hand. “Wrex should know. He’ll want to see her.”

“We reached out last week. We haven’t heard back yet, but the krogan are working hard on rebuilding their homeworld. I can reach out again now, if you’d like.”

Liara nodded. 

“Wow, Miranda, you really thought of everything,” Joker said in his normal, teasing tone. “Did you make hotel arrangements, too?”

She glared at him for a moment before she rolled her eyes. “There are a few rooms in the building next door that are structurally sound but too damaged for patients to move into. I figured you’d want to be close.”

_ Oh, shit, she did. _ “Wow. Thanks, that’s… really convenient.”

“I’m good at what I do, Mr. Moreau. I’ll let you all decide who’s staying while I try to reach Tuchanka, and then I’ll show the rest of you where you’ll be sleeping.”

The silence that fell over the room after Miranda left was deafening, and Joker could tell nobody wanted to break it.

He looked around at the group: it was missing some people, sure, but they were all Shepard’s closest friends. All of them wanted to stay and be there for her if she woke up. That wasn’t even a  _ question. _ But he could tell they were all hesitating: none of them wanted to be selfish and ask to take the first shift.

“I think Liara should stay tonight.”

Liara looked at him, surprise written all over her face. “Joker…”

“She was the one who figured out Shepard was alive, and she’s the one who Miranda contacted. If that hadn’t happened, I’d be dropping all of you off on your homeworlds right now. So I think Liara stays.” He crossed his arms to punctuate his sentence, but he softened immediately when he saw Liara’s eyes fill with tears.

“I’ll second that,” Kaidan said. “And I don’t wanna pull rank, but…”

“No, no, that makes sense. No use giving Shepard more nightmares by having her wake up to  _ this _ ugly mug.” Tali smacked Garrus’ chest and he laughed. “What? It’s a fair point!”

Liara wiped at her eyes with the heel of her free hand; her other was still holding Shepard’s tightly. “Thank you.”

“Take care of her for us, T’Soni.” Joker touched her shoulder in a weird reversal of how things had been on the Normandy. “We’ll be back… whenever Miranda lets us, I guess.”

As the rest of them filed out, he leaned down to whisper to her. “Hey, if you need to break Shepard out, let me know. I can have the Normandy gone in  _ minutes. _ I got  _ really good _ at helping her with prison breaks.”

Liara laughed, though it was a bit wet, and smiled down at Shepard. “Goodnight, Joker.”

***

Shepard didn’t wake up that first day, despite Liara’s best efforts. She’d talked to her through the night, telling her stories of things she’d gotten up to on Illium, or ridiculous information she’d discovered as the Shadow Broker. Tali took the next shift at Joker’s suggestion - she put on Fleet & Flotilla and sang along with it, something they’d apparently done together before, and told Shepard all about how things were going with Garrus.

No luck.

Kaidan insisted Garrus take the next one - he’d been on Shepard’s flank for nearly every ground mission since Omega. “I got students to check up on anyway.”

In the morning, there hadn’t been much improvement. But they weren’t about to give up yet - this was a process they’d endure for the long haul. They’d all suffered through worse for the Commander before.

“Do you mind if I take the next shift with her?” Kaidan asked Joker as they sat by the Thames, eating lunch that Liara had brought them. “A lotta my students are still MIA. So’s my dad. I think I could just use the... the  _ hope _ of something good happening.”

“Go for it,” he said. “I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Joker. You’re a good guy.”

“It took you  _ this long _ to figure that out?”

Shepard’s consistent lack of improvement wasn’t ideal, but there was good news to balance it out: Miranda had contacted Clan Urdnot, and Wrex had dropped everything to travel to Earth, with Bakara, Mordin, and Shepard (he’d already had two kids in the time they’d been gone, and Joker didn’t want to think about that too long) in tow. They’d arrive in a few weeks, and if none of  _ them _ could get through to her, Wrex could.

News of the Normandy docking on Earth for a while had also spread like wildfire - the Alliance had done well in keeping the area free from folks looking to meet the crew of the most famous frigate in the Navy, but some people had found a way through. 

Some people being Jack.

She seemed furious, but Joker had seen her on Purgatory and Pragia and at Grissom Academy, and he remembered enough to know better - she was  _ terrified, _ and she was storming towards the empty ship, probably in search of answers. “Hey! Jack!”

Jack turned and then started stalking towards him, glowing faintly. “What  _ happened _ to her? You go silent for  _ months _ and I have to find out from some fucking  _ stranger--” _

Joker held his hands up in surrender as she crowded into his personal space. “It’s a long story, okay?”

She didn’t hit him, but her biotics kept rippling, and she’d gotten close enough that he could feel them. It felt staticky and slightly dangerous, making all his hair stand on end. “Then  _ start. Talking.” _

He did, hobbling over to a chunk of concrete that had probably been a part of a building once so he could sit down. Jack followed, and he told her about waiting for Shepard, about crash-landing and being stuck for months, about losing EDI but getting word that Shepard was alive.

“She’s alive.” It wasn’t a question, so Joker let her process that quietly. Jack’s eyes softened and the tiniest hint of her genuine smile, not the manic one she had in battle, started to appear. “Shepard’s not dead. She’s alive.”

Joker nodded a few times. “Yeah, but keep that secret. Only her closest friends know.”

Jack gave him a look, and he shrugged. “You’re one of ‘em. Trust me. She made that pretty obvious to  _ everyone _ on the Normandy.” He laughed and looked up for a second, replaying the memory in his mind. “I think if she could’ve launched Miranda out the airlock after Pragia she would’ve, but that would’ve made things a lot harder in the long run. Plus, y’know, diplomacy and talking people down and all that shit she was good at.”

When he glanced over, the little smile on Jack’s face wasn’t so little anymore. She looked  _ happy. _ Good. “I’m glad she didn’t. We needed her to keep Shep alive, apparently.” Jack kicked one of her feet against the cement as she forced her expression into something more neutral. “And she’s not that bad now that the Illusive Man’s hand isn’t so far up her ass she can taste it.”

Joker laughed so hard he almost broke a rib, and when he stopped, Jack was smiling at him. “What? I’m not wrong. She was fuckin’ insufferable.”

He just shook his head. “Never change, Jack.” 

***

Joker settled into the world’s most uncomfortable chair at Shepard’s bedside and just  _ looked _ at her.

Everyone else had talked to her, trying to get her brain to wake up and engage when it was their turn to take watch at her side. He didn’t. He just appreciated the first moment of peace they’d ever had together. There was no mission, no coordinates to fly to, no orders from Anderson or Spectre on his ship for a routine shakedown run making him jumpy. Just quiet, and them, and a galaxy without Reapers, thanks to her.

That’s how he spent his first hour, doing nothing by her side. He kicked his feet up on the rail of her bed, closed his eyes, and relaxed in the relative quiet of her hospital room.

Eventually, though, he got bored, and when he got bored, he felt compelled to talk. “Wrex is coming,” he said softly, looking out the window as he did. “It’s gonna take a few weeks, but he’ll be here. He’s bringing Bakara and the kids, too - he has two of ‘em already, apparently? Don’t wanna think about how  _ that _ happened, but you’ll love them.” He laughed a little. “I’m not saying that because I’ve met them, I’m saying that because I know you, and you  _ love _ krogan. You’re not what anyone would call  _ maternal _ but I guarantee you krogan babies’ll be the ones to get to you.” He was glad she wasn’t awake for that - it was dangerous to say that on its own, but the fondness that crept into his tone  _ absolutely _ toed the line he’d established between them. “I haven’t forgotten your insistence that Tuchanka was your homeworld. I mean, I’ve watched you fight. That  _ might _ be true. Are you secretly part krogan? I should ask Miranda. Maybe they spliced in some krogan DNA at some point in an attempt to make you the ultimate human warrior or something. Wouldn’t be the weirdest shit they’d ever done.”

Leaning back in his chair, he closed his eyes. “I still remember the stuff you found on Cerberus back when we were dealing with Saren. Fuck, what does it say about me that it made me sick to see it but I still signed that contract the moment they said they were bringing you back?” He laughed a bit, but it was humorless. “I mean, I never  _ claimed _ to be a good person. And selfish isn’t the worst thing I could be.”

Opening one eye, he peeked at Shepard, who was still unconscious next to him.  _ Dammit. _ He’d thought that’d get to her. She hated when her crew were down on themselves like that, and she was quick to tell them to cut the shit. It was worth a shot, but she didn’t stir, even as he sat back up and really looked at her again. 

Shepard was beautiful even like this - she looked so calm, oxygen tube aside, and it hit him that he’d never had the luxury of seeing her without the weight of the galaxy and at least a dozen species on her shoulders. Joker found it incredibly unfair, and it almost made him angry, what this woman who was barely an actual adult had been put through - but that was a line of thought he was trying to avoid. Thinking about all the years she’d given up things that people around her indulged in didn’t help keep her in that box of commanding officer, and until she was honorably discharged, he would treat her as such.

Well, he’d treat her like he’d always treated her: as Shepard. His friend. The woman he’d gladly followed into hell time and time again without a second thought.

Joker looked away and continued to ramble.

“Did you know Vega thought you’d hooked up with Alenko? He thought that’s where your weird energy came from. I got to tell him all about Horizon. Kaidan looked pretty guilty about it, but I told him you’d forgiven him. I, on the other hand, don’t have to.” He clenched his right hand a bit as he spoke. “God, Commander, you have no idea how angry he made me back then - I know what you’d say, I had no right to be and I should be nice, but come  _ on. _ He had  _ no faith _ in you. Chakwas and Garrus and I knew you were trustworthy, and we had your back. I didn’t like working for Cerberus any more than you did, but it’s what we had to do. He couldn’t understand that  _ maybe _ the Alliance and the Council were wrong even after watching them stonewall you every single time you talked to them, and then trying to erase what you’d done after you died.”

He huffed once and then paused, letting the anger ebb away as he looked at her face again. “I’m gonna stop being a dick to Kaidan about that. It’s probably time. We get along and everything, and I think we’re friends at this point? But. I’ll stop ‘cause I know you’d want me to.

“EDI’s gone. The, uh, the Crucible, when it fired, it took her out.” He swallowed hard and looked at the floor, adjusting his hat a few times. “I guess whatever the Crucible did was a lot bigger than just the Reapers. The geth are gone, too. It feels…  _ really _ stupid to be mourning an AI when a whole race got wiped from the galaxy. That’s not stopping me, though.” Joker took a deep breath. This was hard, even though he knew no one could hear. “Tali tried to fix EDI. A bunch of times, actually, but… it just wasn’t gonna happen. I miss her. The bridge feels really empty without her.”

He cleared his throat and continued talking about anything that came into his mind - random details from shore leave trips over the years, how Traynor had taken it upon herself to look after her hamster, about how two days ago Miranda handed him a list of casualties from Tiptree.

“Gunny - Hilary, my baby sister - she was on it. Dad wasn’t, though, so… maybe there’s still hope. I mean,  _ you’re _ alive. That’s nothing short of a miracle. I thought you were gone for good this time.”

The sun was setting over London when he sat up in his chair and sighed. He was no good at talking for hours if there wasn’t any banter - if Shepard had been awake already, this would’ve been so much easier.

“Oh, I accidentally made a joke about stealing the Normandy twice and getting court-martialed in front of Hackett. I’m probably getting grounded for a few months ‘cause of that.” He stood up to stretch and shrugged as he did, eyes closing as he gently raised his arms up. 

“Of course you did.”

Joker whipped around so fast he almost dislocated his hip. 

For the first time in six months, Joker saw Shepard’s bright blue eyes, and he could have cried.

Instead, he fell back into his chair and scooted a bit closer. Her voice sounded hoarse, but she looked alert. “Shit, Commander, are you good? Do you need me to grab someone?”

She shook her head a few times, conscious of the tubes and wires. “No. I’m… Fine’s not the right word.” Shepard cleared her throat a few times. “But I’ve been worse.”

“They made you fucking indestructible, apparently. I mean, after you fought a thresher maw and a Reaper on foot, I had my suspicions, but...”

Her smile was a little weak, but it was still a smile, and he considered  _ that _ his biggest win of the past six months. “Apparently.”

Joker let silence settle over the room - he had so much he wanted to say to her, but now it all seemed so insignificant. They had time, now. There were no looming threats, no monsters waiting just beyond the atmosphere to get them, no wars to fight. That was a luxury they’d never had before, and it was overwhelming.

Shepard was the one to break the silence. “Who brought me back this time?”

“Miranda worked with the Alliance to make sure you were healing properly. As far as I know, the Alliance were the ones who pulled you out of the rubble.” He snorted. “I can’t imagine Miranda digging through the dirt in that white catsuit.”

Shaking her head again, she reached out with one hand and touched his arm so gently it was barely there. “No - who brought me  _ back?” _

His brain flashed back to the docking bay before they headed to Cerberus’ headquarters. How she’d said it was the last party they’d throw. How it had hit him, then, that she didn’t expect to make it out of this war alive, and that she was at peace with that.

He’d never been okay with that possibility, but he never called her on it.

He cleared his throat and placed his hand over hers. “No one did, Shepard. You were alive when they found you. A little beat up, but alive.”

Confusion washed over her face, and her brow furrowed. “I thought I’d--”

Joker cut her off immediately - that was a train of thought he wasn’t going to let leave the station. “I told you, Commander. You were gonna kick the Reaper’s asses, and then we’d figure out a plan from there. Step one’s done. Now it’s step one and a half, which involves a lot of physical therapy for  _ you _ and a lot of  _ shore leave _ for me. We’ll figure out step two after that, but I’m thinkin’ victory celebrations galaxy-wide. Charge a bunch of credits to do inspirational speeches. Step three is buy the Normandy from the Alliance with those credits and retire in luxury.”

Shepard laughed, and  _ god, _ he’d missed that sound. “Aye aye,” she said, her tone that balance of flirty and teasing they’d struck years ago, dancing along that stupid, stupid line he’d drawn.

He couldn’t stop smiling at her, and it wasn’t until her thumb twitched that he realized her hand was still on his arm. But before he could pull away, she spoke.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“What?”

“I’m glad you’re here. You’ve always been with me when... everything got hard.” Her eyes looked over to the window, but her thumb brushed over his arm as she kept talking. “If I need you, you’re by my side and I never even have to ask. You just  _ know _ and show up.” She paused, and Joker let her take her time; when she spoke again, her voice was a little hoarse, but more emotional than he’d heard it in a long, long time. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Joker.”

It was almost uncomfortably earnest, but Joker just squeezed her hand a little as he looked anywhere but her. “Well, you’d probably be stuck on any number of the planets I took you to. Or that disabled MSV we had to blow up back on the SR-1. I could keep going, Commander, I got a list of crazy things I’ve pulled off in the Normandy for you.”

She laughed again, a little fuller this time, and Joker looked back. This was his third chance at things with her, and most people only got one. The universe had clearly decided he deserved something nice - maybe being earnest wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Hey, Shepard?”

The Commander hummed, looking up at him.

“For what it’s worth - there’s nowhere I’d rather be. Back then  _ or _ right now. And no matter what happens next, I’m with you.” Joker looked her in the eyes, the same way he did before she headed to the shuttle on Earth - it felt out of place for them, but it would help her understand just how serious he was.

She moved her hand just enough to grasp the one that was covering it, and the way she squeezed his fingers said it all.

_ Good. _

**Author's Note:**

> as always, let me know your thoughts, and you can find me on my [mass effect tumblr](https://urdnotshepard.tumblr.com/) or my [writing twitter](https://twitter.com/latinnameluna), where i've been yelling abt writing these fics for the past few days.


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